War and Casualty
by Stega
Summary: Duo is disturbed by what he sees in his dreams and wonders if Heero ever has doubts about killing.


**Title:** War and Casualty

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** None

**Pairings:** Officially none yet, but...

**_Stega_'s Notes:** Duo is disturbed by what he sees in his dreams and wonders if Heero ever has doubts about killing. It stands to reason that some enemies, at some point in war, might beg for their lives to be spared. So, would either Gundam pilot do anything differently if faced with such a decision? Would they be merciful or ruthless?

**Disclaimer:** This is a work of fiction by a fan. Gundam Wing and all characters within are not my property.

---

_'I'm sorry!'_

Duo jolted awake again for the third time that night. The air was hot and humid inside his room and his bangs clung to any clammy skin they could find. As he sat up to stretch, he noticed his blanket had only been covering the bottom half of his bare legs so he kicked it into a pool of folds on the floor. He cracked his knuckles, one by one, then set about repairing the aberrant and disheveled mass that usually resembled more of a braided ponytail on the back of his head. He needed a shower. As he combed deftly with his left hand, he grabbed blindly for a watch with his right that he'd recently started keeping on the night table. In the dark his fingers were his eyes and it took a few moments to find the metal lump. It turned out to be tucked behind the wooden base of a small antique lamp. He figured he had simply thrown it onto the table the last time he'd woken up, and that it slid into hiding by accident. It read: _3:34 am_.

Once he was finished with his hair, he stood up from the small, bare bed. He intended to go to the bathroom to wash his face and threw the digital watch onto the nightstand again. There was a long creak when the door opened, followed by a quiet scrape and click as it closed. Soft smudges of yellow light lit the way as he tiptoed down the hall and through a thick, heavy door. The lighting inside was incandescent and blinding so Duo was back to feeling around with one hand like he'd done before, while the other acted as a visor. It took him several minutes before being able to open his eyes fully, but when he did he set right to work, pausing only briefly to regard himself in the bathroom mirrors.

"You gotta stop doing this," Duo laughed at his reflection but it held no smile. He was referring to the nightmare that had been disturbing his sleep the past few nights, the one where he piloted Deathscythe. Truthfully, to have nightmares of such a thing was out of the norm for Duo. He didn't like it but realized there was little he could do. His face was dripping water all around the sink and counter, but he continued to stare at himself in the mirror. A brown paper towel was clutched in his hand.

When he finished up, he exited the bathroom and stood in the hallway. The carpet was itchy under his bare feet so he found himself walking. Not to his bedroom, but in the opposite direction. He couldn't stand to be alone with his thoughts, and the idea of falling asleep in his bed, only to be woken up again later, did not appeal to him. His pace and pulse quickened with each gained step.

Knock, knock, knock. Duo turnstepped anxiously as he waited. Knock, knock. Still no answer. Knock, knock, knock, knock, bang, bang, bang. Just as his arm extended for another strike, a drowsy teen finally opened the door and peeked out. He dropped his fist and smiled sheepishly.

"Good morning, Heero. Did I wake you?" His manner of speech was playful and carried an almost jovial melody with it. As if to convince himself, _I'm still the same old Duo Maxwell_, but he allowed a faint unease to show in his eyes. He wasn't sure if it would be detected in the dimly lit hallway.

"What do you want, Duo?" There were obvious bags under Heero's eyes and his hair was a field of cowlicks. He didn't look pleased or even angry, but too sleepy-eyed to see Duo's gesture.

"Oh well," Duo thought to himself aloud. "Are you busy right now?"

"No," Heero replied hesitantly. He was lying and he didn't know why.

"Great! Do you think I could come in--" He moved toward the doorway but was promptly blocked.

"No," Heero said firmly. His shirtless upper body was visible now, and he was holding onto the knob on the opposite side of the door with a strong grasp. He wasn't about to let Duo in at such a late hour, but instead offered coolly, "If you keep your voice down we can talk outside."

"Deal! Oh, right. Sorry." Duo had an abashed smile on his face again as he stepped back from the door and the short-haired boy disappeared into his room to grab a shirt..

"I won't say it again," Heero threw over his shoulder from the darkness, then reappeared at the door. He closed it gently, with a similar creaking groan of wood and old hinges as Duo's door had made, and escorted the boy down the hallway. They walked outside, side by side, through the basketball court that overlooked the sea, and found a cloistered cement alcove to sit in. The trees seemed to hush as the wind died down and each teenage boy picked his respective seating arrangement, Duo on the second tier and Heero below him on the first. Despite being sparsely dressed, the sea breeze was always a welcome feeling for them in the early summer weeks when it was hard to even sleep without becoming sweaty.

"Nice view here, huh?" Duo stretched his arms above his head and leaned back casually against the cooling cement.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Heero asked frankly.

Duo shouldn't have been surprised and yet he was. He hadn't planned what he would say to his friend so he decided to stall. "Are you keeping up with your homework assignments from class?"

"Yes." Heero could see right through the cheery veil Duo was using and suspected he was avoiding something important. He wasn't one to pry, though.

Duo turned his gaze toward the sea to settle his thoughts and breathed in deeply. He loved the smell of the salty air because it was something he could never experience on L2. There were a lot of things that couldn't be recreated artificially on the colonies and, although he enjoyed the natural things Earth had to offer, at the same time it gave him a homesick feeling in his heart. He didn't want to go back, not now, but, in their own way, the memories of where he belonged sometimes instilled a sense in him that he was still just a lost little boy, trying to survive. Duo could never tell anyone but in truth, he yearned for comfort in times such as this. It was something that always seemed to be missing in his life, and even just a taste of it would put his heart at ease. At least for the time being. It was something he always hoped for in the back of his mind, but now his nightmares were beginning to fuel the flame.

"That's good," Duo mused as a delayed response to Heero's answer.

"How have you been holding up, Duo?" The question held a double meaning to which the braided boy was painfully aware.

"Alright, I guess, but I'm a bit behind in my algebra homework."

"Behind by how much?" Heero asked. He was not impressed that Duo was avoiding the underlying subject.

"About two weeks." Duo laughed, genuinely. He was starting to feel at ease as he talked to Heero, since it took his mind off things, but feared the moment would end as soon as the sun came up. It would be back to charades again. In the daylight hours they were hardly considered companions in the minds of their classmates and peers. They were perceived more as rivals, total opposites.

"You shouldn't do anything that could call unnecessary attention to yourself," Heero warned in monotone. Then, on second thought, added, "You stand out enough as it is," as if to voice Duo's thoughts expertly.

"Don't worry so much, Heero." It was a careless remark that he didn't even mean to say but he had a habit of saying the first thing that came to mind. _No regrets_. "I take seriously what I _need_ to and school doesn't happen to fall under that category." He didn't care one way or the other how he fared in school because, as far as he was concerned, he had only one purpose. Duo always felt, since acquiring the Gundam Deathscythe, he only had one profession that deserved his complete devotion and that was as Shinigami, a death god.

"Maybe it should." Duo almost took the tone as snide but figured he'd just misheard him. There was no expression on Heero's face to confirm anything.

"You say that as if it's easy! I've always wondered, how does Heero Yuy stay at the top of class when he's got missions to complete? Y'know, _people_ to kill?" There was ice on his tongue now.

"I manage," he said, jaw sternly clenched. He knew Duo's sour attitude was not from what they were talking about but what they _weren't_. Despite growing more agitated with him, Heero kept a cool head and waited patiently for the truth to come out on Duo's terms.

"Well, I can't say I expected a better answer from _'Mr.Perfect'_."

Heero wanted to send his fist flying into that round, heart-shaped face for acting so childish, for being so _wrong_, but he restrained himself without the slightest flinch. Choosing instead to reply nonchalantly, "I am far from perfect, Duo."

"Then_ what_ is it? You get the toughest missions, but your grades never suffer. All the girls are in love with you because you're 'mysterious' but you _ignore_ them. You even have one girl stalking you!" Duo felt a wrench in his chest and realized he was getting carried away, but couldn't help it. It was painful for him to see people accomplish things so easily while he worked himself to the bone. It wasn't fair.

"Is this what you wanted to talk about? I had no idea you were so superficial and insecure, Duo." Heero could see his companion of the night was getting worked up and assumed it had been jealousy that plagued his normally jubilant demeanor.

"I'm not, I just..." Duo gathered his thoughts, although he was still angry. "I haven't been sleeping well lately and I just wondered if... Have you ever had nightmares? About the people you've killed." A large weight lifted from Duo's bare shoulders as he finally blurted out what he had been meaning to say all along. He relaxed again.

"No. I don't dream when I'm sleeping," Heero revealed, truthfully. It was when he was awake that he had nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes, in fact.

"Well, I guess that makes you pretty lucky then." Heero smiled at that, which Duo mistook for a sign of happiness.

"What exactly did you dream about?" Heero asked.

"You like to cut right to the chase, huh? Ok. Well, I'm piloting Deathscythe in this fierce battle. Then this Leo shows up out of nowhere and practically throws itself in front of me! The enemy inside is begging me not to kill him, but then Deathscythe starts moving on its own. I can tell I'm about to destroy the suit but then I wake up."

"I see."

The lack of thoughtful response from Heero made him regret saying anything but it was too late to take it back. What did he expect from him anyways? _I shoulda known._ _The only way Heero is ever thoughtful is in his own head._

"You don't ever have doubts, do you?" Duo thought out loud in spite.

Heero avoided answering by asking, "What are you doubting?"

"Maybe my beliefs. Maybe myself. It makes me think, has that happened? Has someone begged me for their life? Would I even hear it? And I just can't remember, you know?"

"What do you mean 'would I even hear it'?" Heero said slowly.

"Well, this might sound stupid, but, I know I would be physically able to hear a transmission from an enemy," Duo paused momentarily to pick his words, "but, what if I just couldn't hear it? What if I ignored something like that and kept on fighting? I mean, what if I didn't stop?"

Both boys were silent for several minutes after that. For Duo, his words sounded crazy but they kept replaying in his head, like tiny, invisible mosquitoes buzzing around his ears. For Heero, they just reminded him of himself and that worried him.

"Do not doubt yourself, Duo," Heero finally said, breaking the tension-filled air with a confident and powerful voice. "The minute you do, all your actions come into question. You will be a sitting duck on the battlefield. How ever you feel, do not let it affect your performance. You can't help any one by doubting the past. All you can do is live justly in the present."

"I guess that makes sense," Duo replied in a soft tone.

Calmed by Heero's words, Duo was able to lean back comfortably again. He was ready to stop worrying, at least for now, whether his nightmares held some tinge of truth or not. He couldn't keep them from reoccurring altogether, but he could take the advice he'd been given from his only ally and make sure he'd never have a reason for a bad dream again. He still had questions in the back of his mind but was confident that everything would work itself out as long as he did the right thing. As long as he knew he was still the same old Duo Maxwell.

_Maybe I've been letting things get to me far too easily_. _That must be Heero's secret._

_--- _


End file.
